When Taking Care of Everyone Else Comes at a Cost
Why self-care can be difficult for first responders and men—and how breathwork can become part of your recovery.
There is a strange contradiction that exists in a lot of men—especially first responders.
You will run toward someone else's emergency without thinking twice.
You'll work overtime when your crew is short.
You'll stay late.
You'll miss sleep.
You'll put your family first.
You'll show up when someone needs you.
But when it comes to taking care of yourself?
Suddenly, there is always a reason to wait.
"I'll do it when things slow down."
"I don't have time."
"I'm good."
"Other people need it more than I do."
"I should be able to handle this."
I've lived in that mindset.
After more than two decades in EMS and years working in HEMS, I've spent a lot of my career being the person other people depended on.
That mindset served me well professionally.
But eventually, I had to recognize something:
Being good at taking care of everyone else doesn't automatically mean you're good at taking care of yourself.
And for many first responders and men, that may be one of the biggest barriers to recovery.
You Don't Have to Be "Broken" to Need Support
One of the biggest problems with the conversation around mental health and first responders is that we often wait until something is seriously wrong before we do anything about it.
But there is a lot of space between:
"I'm fine."
and
"I need professional help."
That space matters.
Maybe you're waking up tired even after sleeping.
Maybe you're constantly irritated by small things.
Maybe you can't sit still.
Maybe you come home from work but never really feel like you're home.
Maybe you don't remember the last time you genuinely relaxed.
Maybe your family keeps telling you that you're always somewhere else mentally.
Maybe you can fall asleep—but your mind doesn't know how to shut down.
Those experiences don't automatically mean you have a mental health disorder.
But they can be signs that your body has been carrying more stress than it has had an opportunity to recover from.
And you don't have to wait until you're falling apart to start doing something about it.
Barrier #1: "I Should Be Able to Handle It"
This is probably one of the biggest barriers.
Especially for men.
Especially for first responders.
The culture rewards toughness.
You learn to keep moving.
You learn not to complain.
You learn to function when you're tired.
You learn how to walk into situations that make other people uncomfortable and remain composed.
There is a tremendous amount of value in that.
But there is a difference between resilience and neglect.
Research examining first responders has found that stigma and concerns about seeking mental health care are significant barriers. In a systematic review and meta-analysis, approximately one-third of first responders endorsed stigma-related concerns, with fears about confidentiality and negative career consequences among the most commonly reported concerns (Haugen et al., 2017).
Another qualitative study involving firefighters and EMTs found themes including can't show weakness, fear of confidentiality breaches, lack of access, and concern about becoming a burden to family.
That tells us something important.
The barrier isn't necessarily that first responders don't care about their well-being.
Sometimes the culture has taught them that needing help is the problem.
Barrier #2: You Don't Have Time
This one is legitimate.
Shift work is difficult.
Overtime happens.
Mandatory training happens.
Kids have practices.
Bills need to be paid.
Your spouse needs you.
The house needs attention.
And after a long shift, the last thing you may want to do is add another appointment to your calendar.
Research examining barriers to first responder mental health care has identified scheduling and access as significant obstacles (Haugen et al., 2017).
But here's the problem:
If you keep waiting for life to become less demanding before taking care of yourself, you may be waiting indefinitely.
Self-care doesn't have to mean disappearing for an entire weekend.
Sometimes it starts with five minutes.
Five minutes of breathing.
Five minutes of sitting without your phone.
Five minutes of actually noticing what is happening in your body.
The goal isn't to add another obligation.
It's to create a small interruption in the constant cycle of go, perform, solve, repeat.
Barrier #3: "Taking Time for Myself Feels Selfish"
This one can be especially difficult for providers and fathers.
You've been taught that your job is to provide.
Protect.
Handle things.
Make sure everyone else is okay.
So when you take an hour for yourself, part of you may wonder:
"Shouldn't I be doing something else?"
But there is a difference between selfishness and maintenance.
You maintain your vehicle.
You maintain your equipment.
You maintain your house.
You maintain the things you depend on.
Why wouldn't you maintain yourself?
Because eventually, the cost of never stopping shows up somewhere.
Maybe it's your marriage.
Maybe it's your sleep.
Maybe it's your patience with your kids.
Maybe it's your health.
Maybe it's the way you feel when you're alone.
Taking care of yourself isn't abandoning your responsibilities.
It's part of being able to carry them well.
Barrier #4: You Don't Know Where to Start
This is another major problem.
There is an overwhelming amount of information available.
Meditation.
Cold exposure.
Exercise.
Therapy.
Supplements.
Journaling.
Breathwork.
Yoga.
Sleep optimization.
Nutrition.
And every person on the internet seems to have the answer.
When you're already exhausted, adding another complicated system can make things worse.
Research on first responder help-seeking has found that not knowing where to find help can itself be a barrier to care (Haugen et al., 2017).
That's why I believe self-care has to be practical.
You don't need another complicated checklist.
You need something you will actually do.
This Is Where Breathwork Can Help
Breathwork isn't a replacement for therapy, medical care, or treatment when those things are needed.
But it can be a practical tool for managing stress and building recovery into your routine.
And the research is becoming increasingly supportive.
A 2023 meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials found that breathwork was associated with significantly lower subjective stress compared with control conditions, with additional improvements reported for anxiety and depressive symptoms. The authors also emphasized that the field still needs stronger, lower-bias research rather than overpromising what breathwork can do (Fincham et al., 2023).
That's an important distinction.
Breathwork isn't magic.
It isn't a cure-all.
But there is evidence that intentional breathing can be a useful part of a broader stress-management strategy.
Another systematic review examining breathing interventions found that multiple-session and longer-term practice were among characteristics associated with better outcomes for stress and anxiety, while also emphasizing that breathing interventions vary considerably in design and quality (Bentley et al., 2024).
What Breathwork Actually Gives You
For someone who is constantly "on," breathwork creates an opportunity to practice something that may not come naturally anymore:
stopping.
Not scrolling.
Not watching television while thinking about tomorrow.
Not sitting on the couch while replaying the call.
Actually stopping.
Feeling your breathing.
Feeling your body.
Noticing how much tension you're carrying.
And allowing yourself a few minutes where nothing needs to be solved.
That's where breathwork becomes more than a breathing exercise.
It becomes practice.
Practice noticing.
Practice slowing down.
Practice responding instead of automatically reacting.
Practice giving your body an experience that is different from the constant demand to perform.
Why a Longer Breathwork Session Can Be Different
A few minutes of breathing can be useful.
But there is also a reason I believe longer, guided sessions have a place in stress recovery.
When you spend 60–90 minutes in a structured environment where you aren't responsible for anyone else, something different can happen.
You don't have to answer the radio.
You don't have to make a decision.
You don't have to take care of your family.
You don't have to perform.
For once, you get to be the person being taken care of.
That can be uncomfortable at first.
Especially for people who are used to being the provider.
But that discomfort is worth paying attention to.
Because sometimes the hardest part isn't learning how to breathe.
It's giving yourself permission to stop carrying everything for a while.
Breathwork Is Not About Becoming Less Tough
This is important.
I don't teach breathwork because I want men to become softer.
I don't want first responders to stop being capable.
I don't want you to lose the part of yourself that can walk toward chaos when everyone else is walking away.
That part of you may be one of your greatest strengths.
The goal is to make sure you can turn it off when the emergency is over.
You should be able to be highly activated when you need to be.
And you should also be able to come home and sit at the dinner table without feeling like you're still on shift.
You should be able to listen to your wife without feeling like another problem has been added to your workload.
You should be able to play with your kids without mentally running through everything that still needs to be done.
You should be able to sleep without feeling like you need to remain on guard.
That isn't weakness.
That's recovery.
The First Step Isn't Always "Getting Help"
Sometimes the first step is simply becoming honest with yourself.
Ask:
How do I actually feel when I slow down?
When was the last time I genuinely relaxed?
Am I always tired but unable to rest?
Do small things bother me more than they used to?
Am I more distant from my family than I want to be?
Do I spend my days taking care of everyone except myself?
When I have free time, do I know how to use it to recover?
What would happen if I gave myself one hour where I didn't have to be responsible for anyone else?
You don't need to have a diagnosis.
You don't need to hit rock bottom.
You don't need to prove that you're struggling badly enough.
You can simply decide:
"I want to feel better than this."
That's enough of a reason to start.
A Practical Place to Start
If you're new to breathwork, keep it simple.
Start with 5 minutes a day.
Sit somewhere quiet.
Put your phone away.
Relax your shoulders.
Breathe slowly and comfortably.
Focus on making your breathing steady rather than forcing large breaths.
Then notice:
What am I carrying right now?
Don't try to fix it.
Just notice.
Do this consistently.
Because regulation isn't built from one perfect session.
It's built through repetition.
And if you eventually find that five minutes isn't enough—that there is more tension, stress, or emotional weight underneath the surface—consider creating more space for yourself.
That might mean working with a therapist.
It might mean talking to someone you trust.
It might mean a longer guided breathwork experience.
It might mean all three.
The point is to stop waiting for things to become unbearable before you start taking care of yourself.
You Don't Have to Earn the Right to Take Care of Yourself
I spent years believing that taking care of other people was the responsibility.
And it is.
But I've learned that responsibility also means knowing when you're running on empty.
You don't have to wait until you're burned out.
You don't have to wait until your marriage is struggling.
You don't have to wait until your sleep falls apart.
You don't have to wait until someone else notices that you're not yourself anymore.
You can start now.
Not because you're weak.
Because you're responsible enough to recognize that you are part of the equation.
And if you've spent your career being the person everyone else depends on, maybe it's time to experience what it feels like to have someone create space for you.
That's the intention behind a Mictlan Journey.
Not to fix you.
Not to tell you what's wrong with you.
But to give you a structured space to slow down, breathe, pay attention to what you've been carrying, and begin building a different relationship with stress and recovery.
You can explore that work through Mictlan Journey Somatics.
Final Thoughts
The hardest part of self-care for many first responders and men isn't knowing that they need it.
It's giving themselves permission to do it.
We've become very good at responding to emergencies.
Maybe now it's time to become better at recovery.
Because your family doesn't just need what you provide.
Your crew doesn't just need what you can do.
The people who love you don't just need your strength.
They need you present.
And you deserve to experience what it feels like to come home to yourself, too.
References
Bentley, T. G., et al. (2024). Breathing practices for stress and anxiety reduction: Conceptual framework of implementation guidelines based on a systematic review of the published literature. Explore, 20(3), 364–375. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.explore.2023.12.004
Fincham, G. W., Strauss, C., Montero-Marin, J., & Cavanagh, K. (2023). Effect of breathwork on stress and mental health: A meta-analysis of randomised-controlled trials. Scientific Reports, 13, 432. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-27247-y
Haugen, P. T., McCrillis, A. M., Smid, G. E., & Nijdam, M. J. (2017). Mental health stigma and barriers to mental health care for first responders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 94, 218–229. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2017.08.001
Jones, S., Agud, K., & McSweeney, J. (2020). Barriers and facilitators to seeking mental health care among first responders: "Removing the darkness." Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services, 58(1), 43–54. https://doi.org/10.3928/02793695-20190911-01
